Financial Abuse in Relationships: The Control We Ignore
Disclaimer .This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute financial, legal, or tax advice. It reflects lived experience and professional insight to help you better understand your financial decisions.
Updated on Monday 13 April 2026
Wednesday, April 8, 2026. Lunchtime. Dubai.
I’m sitting with my colleagues, but I’m not really there.
The tension in the room is thick. The conflict in the Gulf is escalating again. Everyone is checking in on each other, pretending to focus, scrolling more than working.
And I’m tired.
Not just tired—emotionally drained.
Every WhatsApp notification feels like a responsibility.
“Are you safe?”
“Are you okay?”
“Are you still there?”
Then her message comes in.
Alicia.
“Can We Talk?”
I knew she was supposed to fly home with her daughter.
But with everything going on, I hadn’t checked in.
Her message was short. Cold.
“Can we talk?”
Then a voice note.
She’s crying.
Her husband stole her savings.
She needs to leave her flat but can’t pay the final bills. She begged him. He didn’t care.
She needs 3,500 AED (around €700).
I don’t think. I just act.
I wire the money immediately.
Because I have an emergency fund.
And she doesn’t.
And in that moment, I understand something very clearly:
I am her last option.
When Abuse Doesn’t Look Like Abuse
I’ve known about Alicia’s situation for a while.
The cheating.
The stress.
The constant fights over money.
Her child struggling to get basic things—like food—without tension.
She thought marriage would protect her.
Instead, it drained her.
Financially. Emotionally. Completely.
She even lost a property in the process.
At some point, I told her:
“This is financial abuse.”
She paused.
Then she said:
“No… abuse is physical.”
And this is where we need to pause as women.
Because this belief is costing us more than we think.
What Is Financial Abuse (Really)?
Let’s call it what it is.
Financial abuse in relationships is not just about money.
It’s about control disguised as responsibility.
It’s when:
access becomes permission
support becomes leverage
partnership becomes dependency
It can look like:
A partner controlling all bank accounts
Monitoring or questioning every expense
Refusing access to money
Blocking employment or income
Creating financial dependency
Stealing savings
This is also known as:
Financial control → when your access to money is restricted
Economic coercion → when money is used to pressure, manipulate, or trap you
And the most dangerous part?
It doesn’t feel like abuse at the beginning.
I Saw It Before I Could Name It
This wasn’t new to me.
I just didn’t have the language for it.
Growing up, my mum had access to my dad’s credit card.
But never to his cash.
Every expense made sense:
food
school activities
car repairs
But every request came with:
negotiation
justification
compromise
And sometimes… humiliation.
At the time, it felt normal.
Now I see it clearly:
That was coercion.
It took me 30 years to name it.
And that’s the danger.
You can live inside something for decades…
and still not recognize it as abuse.
The Data Is Loud — But Let’s Be Precise
This is not just a “personal story.” It’s structural.
According to a 2024 IFOP survey in France:
24% of women have experienced economic violence in their relationship
23% of women do not have access to a personal bank account
72% of victims also experience verbal or physical abuse
57% struggle to meet basic needs
This data is specific to France.
But let’s be clear:
Similar patterns exist globally. The visibility just changes depending on how we measure it.
Because here’s the real issue:
We are still confusing account ownership with financial autonomy.
Marriage Is Not a Financial Safety Net
We don’t talk about this enough.
Too many women still see marriage as:
stability
protection
a milestone
A flex, even.
But no one talks about what happens when that “security” becomes dependency.
Because the truth is:
Marriage does not guarantee financial safety.
In some cases, it quietly removes it.
Understanding Your Financial Ecosystem
This is why I always come back to one concept: your financial ecosystem.
Your money is shaped by six core pillars—and one of the most important is your partnership and nuclear family.
The person you build with directly impacts your:
financial stability
level of risk
ability to grow or protect your wealth
As I explain in 👉 Your Financial Ecosystem, your relationship is not separate from your finances.
It is one of its strongest drivers.
And when that pillar becomes unstable—through control, dependency, or coercion—it weakens everything around it.
Financial Protection Starts Before the Relationship
This is why I always insist on one thing:
You need to understand your money alone before you manage money together.
Before “our finances”
There must be your finances
This is exactly what I break down in:
👉 Budgeting With Purpose
👉 How to Prepare Your Budget
Budgeting is not just about tracking expenses.
It’s about:
knowing your financial capacity
understanding your lifestyle
identifying your non-negotiables
And most importantly:
It’s about control.
Because without clarity, you cannot protect yourself.
Emergency Funds Are Not Optional — They Are Protection
When I wired Alicia the money, it came from my emergency fund.
And that’s not a coincidence.
In my article:
👉 Why Emergency Funds Are Key and Deeply Personal
I explain this clearly:
An emergency fund is not just for “unexpected expenses.”
It’s for:
leaving situations
protecting your dignity
buying yourself time
And this is critical:
Your emergency fund must be yours first.
Then you can build one for the household.
Because in moments like Alicia’s…
Access to money is not convenience.
It’s freedom.
We Are Still Avoiding Money Conversations
And this is where it often starts.
Silence.
As I explored in:
👉 Pillow “Money” Talk: Intimate Finance Couple Chats
👉 Crazy in Love: Love, Loss, and Money Now?
75% of people say financial compatibility is essential
Yet 41% wait until engagement or marriage to discuss money
And 1 in 3 couples say money is their biggest stressor
We are entering commitments…
Without financial clarity.
How Financial Abuse Actually Builds
It doesn’t start with control.
It starts with trust.
Then:
“Let me handle the finances”
“It’s easier this way”
“I earn more anyway”
And slowly…
You lose:
visibility
access
independence
Until one day…
You realise leaving is not just emotional.
It’s financial.
Why This Conversation Matters
In my 200 Questions for Budgeting with Purpose – Practical Guide,
I dedicated an entire section to financial abuse.
Because we cannot afford to ignore this anymore.
Naming things matters.
Because once you see it…
You cannot unsee it.
Recognizing the Signs of Financial Abuse
Ask yourself honestly:
Do I have access to money—or do I ask for it?
Can I make financial decisions independently?
Am I being monitored, questioned, or restricted?
Would I be financially able to leave if I had to?
Because this is the real question:
Do you have control, or just permission?
You Are Not Alone
If you are experiencing financial abuse:
There are:
helplines
charities
legal support systems
And there are ways out.
But awareness is the first step.
Final Thoughts — From Me to You
Alicia didn’t think she was being abused.
Until she had nothing left.
No savings.
No control.
No options.
Just a voice note.
And a cry for help.
Financial abuse is not about money.
It’s about:
power
control
survival
And sometimes…
it is the silent reason why leaving feels impossible.
This Is Bigger Than Us
This conversation connects to the broader fight against gender-based violence.
📅 International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women — November 25
Because financial abuse is often not separate from other forms of violence.
It is often where it begins.
Start Budgeting With Purpose — Free Tools Available Now
Budgeting with Purpose is about more than tracking expenses. It helps you understand your financial reality, identify blind spots, and build long-term clarity.
Two free tools are now available to help you get started:
Free Budget Tracker
The AfroBudgetinGirl Budget Tracker helps you see your money clearly, plan monthly or yearly, track irregular expenses, and prioritise actions using the Action Priority Matrix.
200 Questions Workbook Extract (Free)
Some financial risks don’t appear in spreadsheets. This workbook extract helps you uncover blind spots, understand what’s driving your decisions, and map those insights into numbers using your budget.
👉Free download for Budget Tracker and 200 Questions Workbook Extract
👉Free download for Budget Planner Bliss Tracker
The Money Design Session
These tools introduce the Money Design Session — a practical way to map your financial ecosystem, identify patterns, and strengthen your foundation with intention.
Here’s what to do:
List every part of your financial environment — from family and work to culture and media.
Analyse how each one influences your mindset, habits, and goals.
Identify patterns and blind spots.
Strengthen your foundation by aligning your money with your true objectives.
This is how budgeting becomes a tool for direction — not restriction.
Want Early Access?
The Budgeting with Purpose Masterclass is in development.
👉 Subscribe to receive:
practical guidance to live intentionally — financially and personally
Budgeting with purpose isn’t just about having more — it’s about living better, preparing smarter, and choosing freedom over fear. Join me on this journey toward financial clarity, resilience, and empowerment.
Keep the Conversation Going
If this resonated with you:
Share it with someone who needs it
Start the uncomfortable conversations
Protect your financial independence
Because love should never cost you your autonomy.
Budget for the Life You Intend to Live
Budgeting with purpose transforms your money into a tool for independence and peace. It gives you the power to say “yes” to what matters — and the courage to say “no” to what doesn’t.
For women, intentional budgeting is more than a financial strategy — it’s an act of self-preservation and empowerment.
Because when we plan with purpose, we don’t just survive life’s challenges — we thrive through them.
Disclaimer. This content is shared for educational and informational purposes only. It is based on a combination of:
lived experience
professional background in finance and tax
real-life situations observed or shared in confidence
Some details may be adapted to protect privacy, but the underlying lessons remain real. This content does not constitute financial, investment, tax, or legal advice, and should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional advice tailored to your specific situation. Every financial situation is unique. What worked — or did not work — in one context may not apply in another. You should always consider your own circumstances, responsibilities, and goals before making financial decisions. This platform is designed to help you:
reflect
build awareness
identify potential financial blind spots
👉 Not to replace personalised professional guidance.
